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Tiger Woods
(Lindsey Vonn's new man whore)
467 S. Beach Rd.
Hobe Sound, Florida 33455
This parody personal ad was found on a dating website. We were unable to confirm whether Tiger Woods posted the advertisement himself, one of the women he had an affair with posted it, or just some random person did it as a joke. In any case, Tiger Woods is very single and available. If you would like to date Tiger Woods, join today to get his contact information for less than twenty dollars!
JOIN TODAY AND GET TIGER WOODS' HOME ADDRESS ALONG WITH THOUSANDS OF OTHER CELEBRITIES FOR ONLY $19.99!!
Tiger Woods:
"World's Biggest Embrassment" Is Single And Back On The Market
About me and who I'm looking for:
I'm a 35 year old professional with an eye for all things beautiful, whether it's a sunset over my McMillion dollar mansion or the pleasure of driving my balls into uncharted territory. I will always be the world's first billionaire athelete.
I also enjoy golfing.
I've had some recent troubles in my life, but they've just made me stronger, as long as you don't ask the Florida Department of Highway Safety and Motor Vehicles or read the tabloids. I know what I want and I pursue it aggressively. It's in the name, ladies. I'm not Puppy Woods. They don't call me Cute Cuddly Panda Woods. When you're dating me, you're getting 100% Tiger, 100% of the time. I'm such a tiger.
I'm looking for women who are fun, adventurous, and just a little desperate. Must be over eighteen... but not by much. My ideal woman will realize that she is but one of many gazelles in the rain lands, and you can't tame a tiger for long. So another requirement will be discretion. I've had some bad experiences with women who like to kiss and tell, and they've taught me that in a real relationship, trust is one of the most important things you can offer your mistresses. I need to trust you. I need to trust that you won't go running to the tabloids every time we have a little argument about who's married to who. You can trust me, of course... I'm a Buddhist, don't believe the websites that say Tiger Woods is a whore and a slut.
I also like women who are into clubbing, partying, drinking, S&M, and donating enormous amounts of money to children's charities. If we hit it off, you should know I'm a man of thrills and excitement with all the women I cheat on.
If I select you for a potential booty call, you must be comfortable with the thought of danger. You must also be adept at hiding behind doors and camping in closets at the threat of detection. THIS IS PIVOTAL. I'm single now, but I'm Tiger Woods, so don't count on my chastity for long. Any woman who can't dive under a bed like a professional Olympic swimmer will not be considered for Tiger's Harem. I'm told the waits can be long and boring, so bring a Gameboy or something.
For fun:
I work hard and play hard. Some might even say I'm a major player.
My job:
I'm a professional golfer with more than a dozen titles under my belt. Formerly the World #1 until the karmic hatred of a thousand women caused me to lose the World Golf Championship (why didn't I swing?!?!). I was a child prodigy and already showing off my skills on daytime talk shows by the time I was two, and my mother has the tapes to prove it. I've dominated everything from the US Open to PGA tours.
My high school class even voted me "Most Likely To Succeed," which was a bit late in my opinion, since I'd already become the three-time U.S. Junior Amateur champion. But I guess it's the thought that counts.
My ethnicity:
I'm Chinese, Thai, Dutch, African American, and Native American. I am Tiger Woods and therefore I call myself... Cablinasian.
My religion:
I'm an active Buddhist, because I believe in restraint, morality, truth, and the denial of earthly pleasures.
My education:
I spent two years at Stanford University before I left to become Tiger "disgraced" Woods.
Favorite hot spots:
Where to begin? Well, I like anywhere with beautiful women. I've traveled extensively as part of my charity work and picked up some really great prosti- I mean new friends. I like California because the Terminator put me in the California Fall of Home. California is great.
Favorite Things:
I enjoy the pursuit of pleasurable company, even if I have to buy it. I'm good at wining and dining and juggling more than just golf clubs. Let me tell you now, Miley Cyrus has nothing on the way I can't be tamed. When you're with me, I can promise a relationship full of thrills and interpersonal drama.
I can also be convinced to star in homemade movies, though previous experience has taught me to confiscate them immediately afterward.
Last Read:
"Before You Do: Making Great Decisions That You Won't Regret" by T. D. Jakes.
Admittedly, I'm still on the first chapter.
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